Whenever the question of paying for college comes up, it seems to spark a heated debate. Some parents want to pay for it all, others are firm believers that their children should have to put themselves through college, and there is a third group that thinks half and half is a good solution. When we make the decision to tackle this issue in our personal lives, one important question should be addressed:
As parents, do we have an obligation to pay for our child’s college education?
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Advocates of paying for college will claim that parents are obligated to make sure their child gets a great education. But are they? As far as the law goes, you are obligated to care for your child up to age 17 (in the U.S.). At age 18, your child becomes an adult and is legally responsible for themselves. But does having no legal responsibility mean there is also no moral obligation? I think it does.
You are obligated to care for your minor child, you are not obligated to care for your adult child. Of course, parents try to cross this line all the time and in my opinion, it is not relationally healthy. Adults should care for themselves, period. Keep in mind that not being obligated doesn’t mean you should or shouldn’t help, it simply means that the decision to help is up to you.
While I don’t think it’s healthy to help or support an adult child with the idea of otherwise being a bad parent in your head, it’s perfectly fine to help them from a personal decision standpoint. With that said, we need to figure out which option is best. And of course, each option has advantages and disadvantages.
It’s not obviously clear which option is better when you lay out advantages and disadvantages. What I do know is that the extremes are often never the best option. If we can choose a more moderate method, we’re likely to get the best of both worlds. Instead of arguing black and white, let’s throw in a little gray and try to bring this debate to a close once and for all.
If both the parent and child pay for college, the advantages clearly outweigh the disadvantages.
If you still aren’t satisfied, let me give you another option that may interest you.
Perhaps you like the idea of half and half, but want to give your child the benefit of the doubt in the beginning (or maybe you don’t)? Here are two other ways to go about college funding:
Tell your child that you will pay for college as long as their grades stay within a certain range and they don’t get in trouble. If their grades slip or they get in trouble with the school, law, etc. you remove half of the funding and they can choose whether or not to get a job and continue with school.
Keep in mind, you can’t force your child to attend college. It’s not your decision. The only thing you can do is control the funding.
This option is more negative in my eyes because it communicates to your child that you don’t fully believe in them. However, if your child struggled to make it through school up to this point, it may be a fair option. Tell your child that they will be responsible for paying their own way through college for a limited period of time (perhaps one semester). If their grades are within a certain range after one semester, move to the half and half option and help them pay the rest of their way (as long as their grades stay up).
(This will probably fail if your child doesn’t have much interest in college in the first place).
As a parent who has the ability to help pay for college, you DO have a moral obligation to maintain healthy boundaries with your child. Here is a list of “do not” behaviors that are very common but are boundariless and relationally unhealthy:
Unfortunately, this is an extremely common practice. Typical instances include:
When you make the decision to help pay for your child’s education, that does not give you the right to control your child, make decisions for your child, or shame them when they don’t meet your expectations. Typical instances include:
Also, the healthy love of a child is unconditional. If your child drops out of school, gets bad grades, or doesn’t meet your expectations, it should never change your love for them.
Loaning money to your child changes your relationship with them; they automatically become your slave. Don’t put this pressure on your child. If you want to help them then truly help them; give them the money with no emotional or financial strings attached.
If you loan money to your child, it can cause them to avoid you and if you keep asking for repayment, it can build resentment in you. If your child doesn’t end up paying you back, or doesn’t make it through school, you could end up losing contact with your child altogether if they are too ashamed or embarrassed to face you.
It’s not worth it.
Although I feel the half and half option is best, the decision remains personal depending on how you feel, how you were raised, and how dedicated your child is. Let me hear what you have done or what you are planning to do in the future regarding college funding.
My parents told me that my college choice would have to be partially supported by scholarships. So if I could get enough scholarships to cover all but what they could give, then I could go there. They might have let me go someplace else with plenty of scholarships and a few student loans, but their goal was for me to pay my way by being a great student. And to remain debt-free.
Worked well for me, no debt and high grades.
I think the sentence above hits the nail on the head: “parents are obligated to make sure their child gets a great education.” To make sure they get a great education is different than paying for it. Make sure your child is doing well before college and that will help them with college. If a parent can swing it then it’s ok that they pay for it. But many people do not have enough for retirement, no less a college education. Retirement has to come first (unless you know your child will become a doctor and pay for your retirement). I agree also that there should be agreements made based on incentives. A scholarship won’t let you get bad grades so neither should a parent if they are paying for school. There’s also something to be said about earning your own way. My grandmother basically paid my tuition in my first try at college. That was great and I will always be grateful for that. But I didn’t take it seriously enough. Maybe if it was all on my own dime I would have been more focused.
Paying for college is a tough question. Who doesn’t want the best for their child? thanks for the article!
I think that if parents can afford to help (even by making some sacrifices) then they should do what they can. There isn’t an obligation, but if you are quite wealthy and don’t help your kids out, it seems weird. If parents are struggling to save for their own retirement, the answer becomes obvious.
Besides scholarships, parents should let their students take out student loans if necessary (only gov’t ones) but monitor how much they do take out and help them realize what their payments will be. Students should have jobs during college, unless they absolutely can’t manage it (and most students I knew could manage it). I had jobs and still was plenty involved in extraciriculars and got good grades.
It’s a personal choice each family has to make though.
My parents provided for my tuition, fees, and housing and I am going to do the same for my children. I my not have an obligation legally, but I feel I have a responsibility to provide my children the same assistance my parents provided for me. If I’m really luck (but I’m not going to count on it) the grandparents may be in a position to help their grandkids too.
There was always an underlying requirement, that the money was conditional on good grades and progress toward my degree. It was also made clear that I would get funding for exactly 8 semesters of college and if it took longer I was on my own (largely due to the fact that my younger siblings, twins, would be entering college immediately after my 8 semester deadline). Grades were never a problem for me, but it was clear that I was in school to work hard and play hard.
I also had responsibility for my own books and fun money. As I progressed, more expenses were added. When I moved into an apartment I was responsible for my groceries for example. I plan to use a similar system with my kids.
Funny. Some friends and I were discussing this last night. Great points you’ve made here. I’m in the make them pay category.
I think if the child has some of the responsibility of helping pay for school he or she is likely to value the education more and take it more seriously since helping pay for it will show how much money it really is and how much work is/was required to acquire that money. But if the parents pay a lot of it, the child can focus on the education aspect the most and not be distracted too much by a lot of financial responsibility.
I think it’s best if the student can help by doing things like work study and or just having a job to hep pay for it, rather than taking on major loans. I don’t think loans will really help to get the value of the education to sink in till after the fact, when it won’t have any effect on the kid’s taking advantage of his or her education. Loans can really set one back for a long time in their adult life as well.
I do disagree about loaning to your kids. I see nothing wrong with it and see it as a very good alternative to giving money. A loan allows the child to still feel responsible and independent, knowing they will pay back their parent and that they aren’t just taking money all the time, yet it still helps the child out and gives them a boost without taking away their sense of independence. Many parents loan money to help their kids through school or buying housing and I’ve never seen it to be a problem at all.
All great comments – you have some great readers Pinyo…and they’re very active on your site!
Thanks again for the opportunity.
I could write a book about this (and kind of have to a degree on my own site) but I’m just going to put forth what I always do:
Something magic does not happen between being 17 years and 364 days old and being 18 years and zero days old. The idea that we should start our children off as adults with tens of thousands dollars of debt is appalling to me. Welcome to adulthood, if you want to go to college have fun paying for it for the next 15 years. have a good life.
You’re not even allowing your “adults” to start from zero. There is a reason that all financial aid sources take parent income into account when determining your child’s eligibility for financial aid. make the system NOT do that, and maybe I’ll change my opinion. But until then, I believe that it is my moral and ethical responsibility to do what I can to assist my kids with making them competitive in the marketplace as adults.
I’m definitely in the ‘pay for performance’ category. I’ve already decided to fully fund the larvae’s schooling, as long as they’re making progress towards a goal. Drop out? You’re on your own. Fail a course? You make it up (somewhere). Otherwise I’m willing to shell out the money, if I’m able.
It’s TOO EASY to NOT be able to come up with the money for school, and also TOO EASY to NOT attend as a consequence. Rather err on the side of too much pampering than not enough for something like education.
Unfortunately, many grants and scholarships are dependent on your parent’s income being low, so if your parents aren’t poor, you’re competing solely for merit-based scholarships. 10 hours a week pays off in a big way, but it doesn’t feel as rewarding as work since most applications go nowhere.
I was a national merit scholar and my parents were relatively wealthy, so I earned many scholarships and my parents helped significantly. When my children go to college, I’ll plan to do as MY parents did and fund as much of the cost of a public state-school as I can (essentially paying the need-based aid they’d get if my income were lower). I went to a more expensive private school and the difference was funded by scholarships and a part-time job.
We never encountered having to give up something to pay for college or slipping grades, but I would be very careful about connecting money to performance. I wouldn’t keep paying if my child were failing out of school, but I plan to offer a set amount and allow them to evaluate schools and make decisions (good or bad) with my guidance but not as a condition of my support.
I’m not a huge fan of the system, but the American way is to have parents pay a good chunk of college. With that in mind, I will put my children through a decent public school if at all possible, and allow them to choose whether a more expensive school is worth the debt and hard work.
Luckily I received enough scholarships to pay for half my schooling, so when it came to the other half my parents agreed to split it with me if I worked part-time & also maintained good grades etc. I got married in college, so once this happened my parents stopped paying their half (which I understood), but it definitely made it tougher. My friends whose parents covered everything had more free time than they knew what to do with, but instead of using that extra time to excel in school many joined social organizations or watched a lot of TV…
Now that I’ve been out for a little more than two years I’ve been able to observe first hand my college student employees and can definitely see the difference between those that have everything paid for and those that have had to cover at least some of their school. Their work ethic is vastly different and they tend to view graduating from college differently. Those that paid some themselves tend to work much harder and are excited to graduate to pursue their professional careers. Those that had everything covered tend to be nervous about their futures and even more nervous about managing their finances on their own after having everything covered for so long.
Personally, I was glad that I had to “grow up” at a much younger age so that once I graduated I felt prepared.
Just my personal observations.
My husband and I will help our (future) kids pay for college, but it will probably be less than half. Neither of our parents paid any of our college expenses and it worked out pretty well.
I think I will also implement something I read in the comments of FreeMoneyFinance’s site once: making my kids save 25% of their allowance into a “college fund”. This way, I hope they’ll feel more invested in their education. I’ll probably carry that over when they get part time jobs in high school and force 25% of that to go towards their own college savings.
That’s just my thoughts for now. I’m not even a parent yet, so things could change!
My parents handled some of this in an interesting way. They made me a deal:
If I chose to go to college, they would let me live at home rent free and pay my car insurance. If I didn’t go to college, then I either had to move out or pay rent at home. If I lived at home, my freedom would be treated the same as if I were to have moved out.
This had the effect on me of making sure I worked ALL throughout college. All 5 1/2 years of it. Because if I didn’t, I had no money for gas, food, fun, travel, etc. I didn’t have to work full-time, or even 20 hours a week, but I did have to work and that kept me responsible.
By knowing I had a “free ride,” I knew I didn’t want to jeapordize it by getting bad grades and getting kicked out. One semester I was put on academic probation, and it was a wakeup call. Didn’t happen again.
There is one point I disagree with though: “Never loan your children money.” While I do understand the reasons why you recommend this, I think having a hard-and-fast rule like that really doesn’t give any credit to the possibility of helping our children learn in respectful ways about money.
When I was younger and had my first car, my father made a deal with me. He said it was free and he’d cover my car insurance and he’d pay for regular maintenance, but if there were anything that went wrong due to neglect then I had to pay for it.
Well, being young and naive, I neglected some maintenance and the transmission broke. $1300 kind of broke that I couldn’t afford to pay. My father and I talked about it, and he offered to loan me the money under the condition that I pay him back regularly.
He didn’t care if I paid him $1,300 at once, or if I paid him $10 per week. All he cared about was that I respected the financial relationship we had built together. He didn’t impose controls, he didn’t dictate how much I should pay or when… he just said, “Here’s the situation. You figure it out, and if you want any help let me know and we’ll see what we can do.”
I ended up getting a summer job and paying him off pretty quickly. Since that day, I have borrowed money from my dad in varying amounts. I borrowed $50,000 for a down payment on a home, which I paid back after a cash-out refi, and I recently borrowed $5,000 when moving into a new home to cover expenses like washer/dryer and new carpets. He says I have to pay him back within 10 years, no minimum payments required anytime.
I think the key to having parent-child loans is to remove the sense of control so that there isn’t the shame you mention and it doesn’t damage the relationship. I actually feel closer to my father because he supported me respectfully in times of financial need. And he respects me more because he knows that I take my financial obligations seriously.
So anyway, all I’m saying is that although many relationships can be severely damaged by having a parent-child loan, as long as non-control parameters and respect are involved, I think it’s actually an amazing way to bring people closer and continue strengthening the relationship.
University here in Australia used to be free for citizens (and PRs too, I think), then they added a system called HECS where you had to pay, but the fees were still relatively low – about AUD$5,000 a year or something like that (I was lucky enough to be in this group), and now they’ve put the fees up again in proportion to what you’re studying, e.g., an Arts degree is cheaper than a Medicine degree.
The nice thing, though, is that the fees are essentially loans from the government, which increase at the same rate as inflation (e.g., 3%).When you start earning a certain amount a year, say $24,000, then you have to start paying some of it back. It’s not a perfect system, but it makes the student ultimately responsible for their own Uni fees.
If parents can’t afford to pay, they can’t afford it. People have to fund their retirement first. Having said that, I personally think it’s terrible when middle-class parents don’t save anything toward their children’s college education. Even our state school costs $20,000 a year, which is about twice what someone working minimum wage would earn if he worked full time for a year. When I went to college, it was a hell of a lot easier for kids to pay for their own college. And yes, no doubt there are scholarships. But unless these scholarships are based on merit, it’s unfair to expect the “system” to pay up for your child, while other people who make a similar amount of money are paying full cost. College actually does cost something. Professors have to be hired, grounds maintained, etc. I’m all for bargain hunting, but I also think that it’s skeavy not to participate in something your child benefits from without paying at least a portion of your fair share. I know way too many people who seem to have an urgent need for a $200,000 kitchen renovation when their kid is 16, but then cry poverty when it’s time for that kid to go to college.
I come from a family where I paid for my own university expenses….to a certain degree.
My grandmother loaned me the money for my second year but later turned it into a gift (and gave the same amount to all her grandchildren for college – we all attended).
My parents co-signed on a student loan but never outright loaned me money.
My parents told my brother and me that as long as we were in university we could live at home for free (rent, food, utilities…everything included). I eventually chose to move away from home on my own which increased my student loans and expenses but was ultimately the best decision for me.
My parents also made me put 20% of everything I made in my teenage years (from babysitting and after school jobs) into savings for college- this paid for a full year + books.
So while my parents didn’t actually write me a cheque to cover college I think they contributed financially and taught me responsibility and the value of a dollar and my education at the same time. I paid off my $18,000 in student loans in about 8 years.
Just another scenario to think about for those with kids about to go to college. I think I will stick pretty close to what my parents did when my son is ready for college. I’ve been thinking of starting the 20% rule with my son soon (he’s 6 and is already talking about what he’d like to learn in college). He receives an allowance each week and can start tucking away some money from that into his bank account (so I guess ‘technically’ I am paying for this portion of his education).
My college funding was structured as follows:
50% of tuition was parent, 50% me for 3.5 years on condition that I maintained a 3.0 average. If I passed the time limit or grades dropped, funding ended.
The 3.5 year stipulation was based on parents’ experience (they got out in 3.5 years because they got preggers and I could damn well do the same). While I wasn’t a fan of the stipulation at first, it motivated me to take some summer classes and night classes early on to bank credits and in truth it wasn’t that hard to graduate in 3.5 years (despite the lengthiness terms of most students today).
And even today, 12 years after I graduated in my 3.5 years, it comes up in interviews. I’m gad I did the “3.5 year plan” and I even managed a semester abroad. I also partied pretty much to my heart’s content – I didn’t really feel that it was excessively demanding but I also made good use of the add/drop process to dump the insane profs.
Ohhh, this is a great post! I love how you’ve broken down all the different possibilities for paying and written all about the relational and moral aspects of college money.
Personally, my parents didn’t save for our college. When my parents got divorced when I was 8, they decided that rather than my dad paying child support (he couldn’t afford it at the time), my mom would raise us until we turned 18 (I was the oldest, I have two younger sisters) and then Dad would be responsible for college. Unfortunately, Dad didn’t save.
But it all worked out in the end. My two sisters and I took, each of us, a different college path. I went to a technical college for a semester and then dropped out to go to a vocational school and then into an apprenticeship with an opera program (and then later a jazz program). While my sisters were still at home living with mom, my dad and mom both helped finance my education on a quarter-by-quarter basis. The second-oldest left to work full time and later decided to go to college and she is now half-way through and paying her entire way herself. The littlest one always said she didn’t want to go to college and just work instead. She now works full-time and makes more than I do! That girl
I’m happy with the way things turned out. It’s interesting to me that I was the oldest and always the “star child,” if you will, and so my parents were pleased to pay for the little school I did go to and are happy with how I’ve turned out. As we go down the line, the sisters got less and less preference from the parents, and would probably have had a more rotten relationship with them should there have been money-ties between them. I think the way it has worked out is all for the best.
Again, thank you for this post! I have a post coming up about college education and this will make great reference.
It is a tough question for some parents. Having come from a background where my parents paid for college, it amounted to a free ride for me. Unfortunately I did not realize the value of this “free ride” until years later after I had decided to put my education “on hold”.
To this day, I am still not sure whether I would give my kid a free ride but I would certainly try to teach my kid the value of paying for college first.
Mark, my situation was the same as yours. I didn’t really appreciate what I received until years later. I really wish I could have done it over. I would have gone to Ann Arbor instead of Cornell, I would have tried harder in school, and I would have tried to pay for some of it too.
But that’s life. All I can do now is teach my son not to repeat my mistake.
As someone who paid for my own college, I think I appreciated it that much more. I think sometimes when you have to work for something, you’ll often try harder to get something out of it.
I think if, God willing, i have kids, I’ll be happy to help them out somewhat, but I also think there is some true value in having them help pay for their own education.
I didn’t contribute very much at all to my own University. Of the total cost of around £28K ($56,000) for four years, I contributed £2k, my parents paid around £16k, and the rest was covered by student loans.
Over here it’s extremely uncommon to study at anything other than full time, it’s very difficult to pay for everything yourself without taking on loans, almost impossible if you are 18 with only a few thousand in savings.
I value my education a great deal, if I’d had to pay for it myself, I’m not sure that I would have gone, I certainly don’t think I’d have done as well as I did.
There is always the debate of whether you should pay for school or whether to make your child pay for college. The average cost of tuition is somewhere between 80,000 and 160,000 dollars, and you probably didn’t know that 50% of students have to drop out of school because they can no longer afford tuition. What if i told you there is a way to send your child to school and not go broke. If you believe me, and you really should, then you need to visit http://www.howtoaffordcollege.com. Trust me, making the decision to check out this website could be the difference between your child having a degree, or being a college drop out.
Great article breaking down the pros and cons of each. My husband and I have this discussion frequently as we were on opposite sides of the fence. My family was able to pay for my college; I worked summers and paid as much of my own living expenses as I could. His family was not able to pay for college and we’ll be paying back student loans for years to come. I had the gift of starting my adult life at $0, which I now realize was a tremendous head start over many of my friends. He started his adult life about $40k in debt. I believe because he paid for his own schooling he appreciates his degree more, and he’s said many times on Friday mornings he got up and went to class solely because he paid for that class.
What will we do for our own kids? We’ll probably stick with the compromise and make them pay for part of it. We recognize the value of the kid taking ownership because they paid for part of it, but we now also know how hard it is to start off life deep in debt.
There is a third way. Tell your kids that you won’t be paying for University/College education and that they will need to work for it themselves. But be willing to step in and clear their debts at the end of the course or if they start to struggle. I know people who have done this and it builds the right ethic in their kids, which is that you have to work for it and you get nothing for free. I don’t think that kids understand the value of money otherwise and are more likely to flunk out if they have a parent fronting all the costs. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind (within reason)
I stumbled upon your blog and as a college age student i would like to share my input.
I think that it should be the parents paying for the college experience, however as you advance through college more of that financial responsibility should be the child.
I do not think it is fair for the child to have to pay it all straight into college because not only is it overwhelming, but the FASFA is a flawed system. For anyone under 24 years of age you are required to put your parents financial information on the form, this means that any financial aid you get is including your parents finances. This makes it nearly impossible for some students to even get loans.
I can give myself as an example, I am not eligible for any grants due to my parents financial status and that severely limits how much I can take out in loans through the government. This would leave me being forced to take out extremely high interest loans through privatized institutions, and having to pay them off immediately. This means it would force me to drop down to part time in order to stay afloat financially, which if a student was eligible for any scholarships or grants those would then be voided.
I do not think it is fair how the system is run, but I also do not think it is fair for parents to just throw there children deep end into a system that is designed to make them go into financial failure.
I was a A-B student all through school, then when it came time for college my parents were awesome enough to pay for mine…I partied and ended up dropping out of school. Joined the military, got the GI bill, went back to school on my own dime, and graduated from The U, at the top of my class. When you know that you are paying for your own education, you really do work much harder. Also, my wife was forced right out of HS to pay for her education because her parents would not pay…she did a lot of dishes at the college’s cafeteria to pay for her’s, but also the gratification that she did it on her own. Go Canes!
People talk about how parents paying for their child’s tuition fee would make the child lax in their schoolwork, opting instead to party and take everything for granted. In the end they would drop out. But I do not think that is the parents’ fault, or for the matter blame-able on the fact that the kids got in on a free ride. There must be something wrong with the kid itself! For that matter, the child may already be showing signs of becoming like this with regard to his or her performance back in high school. I do not seem to see people who were straight A’s in the high school suddenly turn crazy or stupid in college just because their parents are paying for the tuition.
Anyhow, even if that is the case, paying for the kid’s tuition should not make him or her lack work ethics. In retrospect, they might even work harder because they are going to be grateful that their parents are helping them, despite the lack in legal obligations. if the parents feel a moral obligation to help the children out, should not the children feel a moral obligation too to do good in school and work hard afterwards, so that their parents could be proud? This is not about asking them to pay for what their parents gave too. This is way different. It’s about how because you’re family, you should at least help each other. the parents helping out with the tuition, and the children striving hard so that their parent’s money at least do not go to waste. Parents after all wish all the best for their kids, despite them turning legal adults, and the children should not disappoint if they could. After all, its for them.
however, i find too that a rather proportionate of children do not sense this gratefulness at all. Well, it’s their loss. it’s their lives..
My daughter got a full ride to the best state school and out of pocket for me would be $8k. She chose the out of state private school with a $41k tuition plus $12k living expenses. She did get a $20 scholarship and is a very good student. I’ve offered to pay the other half of the tuition and she agreed to pay the living expenses. Problem is, that she’s not busting it to raise the money. She wants me to cover the rest. I am willing to help her realize her dream but she should do her part.
I don’t have a problem with her choice of schools but it comes with a big price and she will have to cover her share.
Any comments.
@charlie – I hope you mean $20k because $20 would be comical. Anyway, I think you should draw a line in the sand and stick to your original agreement. She’s grown up enough to take financial responsibility. If she doesn’t honor her half of the deal then she has to live with the consequence.
I think this is an easy decision. If parents do not make it possible for their child to attend college, by refusing to pay, or forcing their children to pay for it themselves (often delaying the degree) then their children will be at a disadvantage to those who did not face that hardship. Think about it… the rich get richer and the poor get poorer for this very reason. While Joe Schmoe is out there trying to pay for college, Richie Rich is actually attending classes and getting closer to their degree. They will then have first crack at high paying jobs, too. Why put your kid at a disadvantage? To prove a point? To hold back their potential? I had to wait until 24 so I was an independent, to get proper financial aid. I didn’t complete my Bachelors degree until I was 28. Five years were completely wasted, working low paying jobs and struggling, while others took a more natural path. Now, when I’m going for entry level positions, those people have had years to gain experience.
The right choice is to 1) not have kids unless you can afford them and all their needs 2)make sure you set up a college fund and support your children so they don’t fall behind. Anything else is a waste of time.
I’m sorry but I don’t see anywhere that a parent has to pay for their child’s college. There are thousands upon thousands that have paid for all or most of their own education and they are normal, productive, and hardworking people. Competing with the rich to get bigger houses, toys, etc has never been something I have taught my children. I grew up knowing that if I wanted to go to college I would have to pay for it. I didn’t go simply because it was not my desire at that time. My parents taught me to work hard for what I wanted and not expect others to help me. They were/are my dreams and my choices. My parents still wanted to have a life they could afford to enjoy after working hard during our childhoods to provide for us.
I am a single parent who’s ex is not involved with the two wonderful childen god blessed us with. He does not support them financially at all; hasn’t even visited/taken them in years. I pay everything even though he is court ordered to pay support. Anyway, this is my biggest stress in life. I want to help my two boys go to college. It is a moral obligation to help as much as you possibly can without giving a free ride of course. We live paycheck to paycheck (I do not let my boys know this; however, they do know money is tight.) My 16 year old has a part-time job and my 13 year old will have one when he is old enough to help buy their shoes, etc. I do not know if my boys will qualify for pell grants and scholarships. I can only hope. If “we” don’t, I feel sick, to tell them I don’t know about college and their future. And how could I ever pay back loans.
@Anna – College is not out of reach if they really want it. I have a friend who worked while he went to college. Yes, it took him longer, but because he really wanted it, it got a lot out of the experience. Also, if money is an issue, going to a community college is still better than no college at all. If you want it and you try hard enough, you can make it happen.
I’ve had my education interrupted twice because of money problems. My parents refuse to help me and forcing me to work again this year.
Parents, HELP YOUR CHILDREN. My life has been destroyed by my parents’ refusal and inability to help me get my education. I work full-time, I have no money, and I live with an abusive parent whom I am essentially supporting.
HELP YOUR KIDS GO TO SCHOOL. BEING A PARENT DOES NOT END AT AGE 18. Give them the life experiences they need to have, and let them learn what they need to know. If you don’t help them, you’re 10000% more likely to have a dropout on your hands because it’s nearly impossible to fund college on your own at 18. No part-time job will pay enough for an 18-year-old with no college degree to expect them to support themselves feasibly.
Give them their education.
This is a really tough question. My wife and I have two new babies, and although I have an MBA (funded by me, and my work, not my parents at all), I know for sure we won’t be able to pay much at all for our children’s college. I am going to tell them at an early age about the need for scholarships and hope that works out. We have 18 years to put away a little money, and we will help out a bit, but i don’t believe in parents having to take out “parent loans” to help their kids pay for college. I am going to tell my children that their best bet is to get a good job at 18 that has tuition reimbursement and let corporate america pay for their education…..the money is out there people, tell your children to get in the door of a good company and take advantage of their tuition reimbursent programs….they can start in the mail room at 18, it does not matter. We won’t be able to pay for our kid’s college unfortunately..so it’s either community college for them, or scholarships, or working at a company that has tuition reimbursement.
also, there is nothing wrong with the TRADE route either. I know of many blue collar guys that make over 100K…electrician, contractor, plumber, HVAC, carpenter, landscaper, etc. etc…don’t sell these type of career paths short either people !! Not everyone has to go to college……
@Kevin: I think the trade route is a great idea. I think someone going this route should still go to a community college or something like that, read up on business, how to run a small business and so on… how many times have you wished for a reliable plumber/HVAC/contractor? One that simply shows up on time, gets the job done, and so on? If I ever lost my job I would seriously consider going back to school for a trade education and then run the competition out of town with how well I run my business.
My parents didnt pay for mine. My Uncle did his name was “Uncle Sam” I only had to work for him for 4 years. He sent me all over the world to fight and do his bidding! It wasnt easy but he lived up to his obligation and paid for my college…and along the way he taught be how to be a man, instilled discipline, character, and fostered a LOVE that I have for my country and countrymen! GOD Bless America!
My husband and I have four children. We believe in education and our gift to them is a four year college degree, housing, food, car, insurance and some living expenses. There have been times when they have not met our expectations of taking a full load, and maintaining a decent average. We have kept the course because in the long run we want them to be self sufficient.
I am a freshman in college. All of my siblings and I are fully responsible to pay for our college education, along with car insurance, car, gas, and soon to be phone bill. I have six kids in my family, and the four of us who are over 14 have been working since we were 14. Over the summer we all work full time jobs; I did about 70 to 80 hours a week, pretty much working every single day over the summer. I’ve worked at various places during the school year as the summer job is only seasonal. My parents had to take out loans and pay for their college, so they expect the same from us. I am not bitter or resentful toward my parents for this financial responsibility, although at times I admit I have gotten angry. However I am the most independent person of the people I know my age, and I am a lot more aware and knowledgable about things. I get really annoyed at all the spoiled people in college who have their parents pay for the whole thing and they fail or pull C’s and D’s because they don’t care. Because I knew I had to pay for college, I worked super hard through high school and studied and endlessly researched scholarships. I appreciate what this financial responsibility has taught me. I love working hard and knowing that I, as an adult, am responsible and fully in charge of my life feels good.
Above, the author said that it is wrong for a parent to try to tell their student what to study, when to go home, or where to go to college, but if they are paying, I think that the parents can make their kids do whatever they want! When he or she is fully paying for their college, then they can make their own decisions.
I truly, truly cannot even comprehend the reasoning that compels people to think they should pay for the education of other adults.
And don’t get it twisted, we’re not talking about children here, we’re talking about adults who have zero accountability to you or anyone else. Despite this truth being completely obvious, even this very article continues referring to adults as “children”.
If you want to give gifts to your children, if you want to teach them financial responsibility, do it WHEN THEY’RE CHILDREN. Adults have no obligation to you. Why are you giving them money for something they may not even really want to do? If they’re not willing to pay for it themselves, why are you? And if they do want it, why are you depriving them of their first real chance to develop adult pride and responsibility.
College can be totally free. If your child is 14 and shows real signs of wanting college deeply, then teach them to get excellent grades. Gift them with the knowledge of what it takes to secure scholarships. Spend 4 years with them gathering as much info as possible on how to get your college funded by grants and other sources. THIS is caring for your children. Handcuffing your adult offspring by taking away their first chance to be truly adult is beyond my ability to comprehend. I have no clue why this is such a thing in our culture. Baffled. Truly baffled.
That’s helpful, the way you lay out the plusses and minuses of paying for your children’s college or having them pay–and clearly there are both to each side. But I think your idea of paying for performance is essential here. I did a post on Stupid Young-Adult Tricks based on behaviors I’ve seen in my practice, and a common one is the child who gets kicked out of or flunks out of school. In the companion piece, how to prevent the child from ever being a contestant again (at http://wp.me/p22afJ-Mv) I address how to deal with a child who’s been asked to leave, and what your obligation is. I feel firmly that in a case like that, a parent should never give a free ride to their child again. [Am open to feedback on that idea from parents who've actually experienced the situation, but the 'one-strike' policy makes sense to me.] Thanks for bringing this analysis to the public attention.
I echo MIGHTY’s comments. I don’t understand why parents feel obligated to invest financially in their adult children’s careers. Just because your adult son/daughter has chosen to pursue a white-collar career path, why are they more worthy of your financial investment in their decision? What if he/she was preparing to be a carpenter (which doesn’t require a degree)? Would you buy him/her all the necessary tools, work clothes, work truck, etc. to make him/her more competitive in the job marketplace? And why does the financial investment in the career of your adult son/daughter end at college graduation? What about their expensive suits, their expensive professional certification courses, their networking events that take place over happy hour? Should the concerned parent also pay for these competitive advantages?
As someone who paid his own way through private college, it’s really not that bad. I got an average job and it took only a few years to pay off my debt (I also worked during school). Yeah, you don’t get to buy the new car as quickly as your more spoiled co-workers, but that’s OK, because you get to be more badass for buying your own future. If you actually care about your future, you’re not going to just let yourself drop out because it’s hard to pay for. Self-supporters who drop out because they don’t want to take on the debt are signaling to themselves and others that they don’t see college as the investment it is.
We told both of our children, choose what ever field of study that interests you, but make it one that you are likely to obtain a job in after graduation….We will pay everything as long as you get A,B’s and not many C’s…otherwise if you are failing, that means you don’t want to be there and don’t want the higher education and we will not pay for you to constantly party!…Make wise choices, work hard, but take time to enjoy yourself also and you can graduate with a degree and good memories and a plan for a future!
What do you do when you have a child who has finished high school but college is a challenge. They to attend college but their grades are up to it. Should I suggest a lighter load of courses to boost the gpa or what?