Interesting questions. Given that you seem to want to prepare to help your kids after they reach adulthood, I think you are way oversimplifying things by focusing on a few discrete and likely (though not certain) events.

I’ve got 2 adult stepkids, one of each gender. Both finished college (with our support) and one went through grad school (mostly financed by the student). But what happened to us (and something completely left out of your planning) is health insurance. We assisted both kids in paying for it after they left college. We also covered the kid in grad school. The big “unknown” is that one of our 2 has a chronic health condition that basically makes it impossible to buy an individual (i.e. affordable) policy (at least in our state, which has lousy consumer protections and no high-risk pool) … we had to use COBRA coverage to the cost of ~$6,000 a year. We’ve also stepped up (with loans rather than gifts) to cover COBRA during job transitions for the same kid, because the thought of not having coverage horrifies all of us … yet it’s too expensive for this young, inexperienced worker to buy independently.

Looking ahead, one of our 2 adult kids is gay … so, no legal wedding (at least not here and not now), but if said kid wants kids, some form of infertility treatment or adoption, either of which can be expensive. I’m not sure where these sorts of issues (same-sex partnerships, infertility treatment, adoption…) fall within your values and obviously that may affect how you do or don’t support one of your children in pursuing them, but the point is you don’t know what the future holds.

Our approach has been to help our kids as we can (also factoring in the objective of having them achieve financial self-sufficiency), and to be very open about the extent of the assistance we provide. So both kids know, for example, that we’ve paid way more $$$ on behalf of one than the other, because one happens to have to pay much more to get the same quality of health insurance. We’ll probably take the same approach when it comes to, e.g., pursuing adoption … if one kid does and one doesn’t, we’ll support the one who does in pursuing that path but not (necessarily) cough up equal bucks for the one who doesn’t (though we might, if a goal that we want to support and that is similarly expensive arises for the other one).

Having said this, I know there is no easy answer. I am a married female and I’m glad that I have a degree. I am proud that I can support myself if necessary and will probably work until retirement. However, if I had chosen to stay home and still had a loan or had my parents struggle to put me through college, I don’t know if I would be as happy about having a degree.

Why are you assuming that your daughter is not going to use her degree? That to me, seems even more sexist than setting aside wedding money only for them and not for your son.

For those that intend to be the stay-at-home parent, whether male or female, it is imperative that you have some kind of strong back up plan in case your partner is unable to work due to unemployment, illness/injury, or death. When the unthinkable happens, it is much easier for you to find a decent job with a degree, (even with those unemployed years on your resume) than trying to pick up the pieces of your life while trying to find work without a degree.

As far as I know, my husband’s family did not pay for his brother’s elaborate wedding. I am not 100% sure because there was also an elaborate party at the parents’ house. Since my husband and I eloped, they probably did not feel that we needed any money. However, they ‘matched’ the amount that my parents gave us.

From the kids’ point of view, fairness is very important. There are many variables and it is unfair to spend $$ on one just because one is female and/or wants a big bash. At the very least, give some money to the other kids if they have a smaller wedding or even if they elope!

As for college, so many of my female friends quit working in their early 30s and are still paying off college debt. It is not worth it! It’s a difficult topic to bring up but I would at least ask your children about their future plans. Even in my 20s, I could tell which of my female friends would continue working and which ones would quit as soon as possible. Some people do seem to suddenly change their mind but it’s actually rare. By the early 20s, you can already distinguish between those who want to be out in the world and those who prefer to be home and can’t handle a stressful life.